Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No