any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
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If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Lmbo
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.