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@AskAuntieEm1: Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
@bourgeoisalien: Is there an apology card for: Sorry I kidnapped your dog and made him run on a treadmill to power my toaster last week, or no?
@mlinhart: Dear fork, I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork. Love always, Spoon PS: he has your hair.
@bourgeoisalien: A skinny friend told me she's never hungry and just 'forgets to eat', so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?