Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
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Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.