The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*