thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
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*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
as is their right
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”