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@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Nothing like an 8:00 meeting on a Monday morning to remind you that your best years are behind you.
@AndrewNadeau0: GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal* JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can't*
@myonlymizztake: I got a text from an unknown number that said "Game on." It's either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.