*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
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the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you