when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.