Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.