[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
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oh my gosh!!
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Our lord and savoury.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK