just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
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Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
LA today:
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9