Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
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Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
step 6: release the wall snake
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?