Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
You Might Also Like
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?