The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
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In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
me logging onto twitter
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.