me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
What the hell is going on?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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