Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
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I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
*launders Kohls cash*
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with