Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
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baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.