Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
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Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.