Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
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I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I am crying
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Just a reminder, folks:
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army