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@underchilde: [At neighbor's barbecue] Neighbor: How would you like your steak? Me: At my house with no any company.
@murfect: *gets hit by car* Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY? Me: I need.. My phone.. Please.. *opens Twitter* Me:YALL WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED
@NikiWithIssues: Hey person who wrote "WASH ME" on my car, I know it wasn't my car that wrote that. My car doesn't speak English. I'm onto you.