6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
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Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?