Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
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Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Science memes
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.