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@generaldietz: NEMESIS: i hate you ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend NEMESIS: so can you stay the night? ME: i'll ask my mom
@iwearaonesie: *wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING
@daveexplosm: The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you're doing it too.
@QueefTornado: Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.