*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.