My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
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Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.