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@AaronFullerton: "Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you're calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line..."
@CatsForDinnerz: Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.
@ClaytonSykes: Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn't already know that.
@bridger_w: This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.