Dress for the job you want to sleep at
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I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive