Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.