Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
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psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.