During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
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stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.