Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
i hate you platonically