Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Not my job 😂
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
🦝🔥🦝🔥
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered