Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
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Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*