Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
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Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
good morning
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it