Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I enjoy a good short stor
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.