Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.