Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
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CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw