Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.