When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Bike is short for Bichael.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL