Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
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me logging onto twitter
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
This is true.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers