Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
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“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Meanwhile in Canada…
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day