Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
some things should go without saying
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.