Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes