Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
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“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
6: are snakes just neck?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?