@NikatNiteNite: Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first.
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@TechnicallyRon: Aliens: "Take us to your leader" "No" "What" "Look we've made some mistakes" "Just take..." "It's been a weird year, half of us are morons"
@_Water_Baby: Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
@DevilryFun: HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class? Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
@KalvinMacleod: 911 what's the emergency "Please help, I made too much spaghetti" Relax sir, we've all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*