@NikatNiteNite: Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first.
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@jctwritesstuff: [First Date] Him: Great dress. Me: Oh, this? *flips hair* *twirls* *skirt flares* *foot catches* *face plants* Him: Me: Hey! Come back!
@popcorn_dog: [Dark room] **taco crunch** Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium **slow taco crunch**
@DirtMcTurd: Ex (trying to make me jealous): I'm going to a party, everyone's drinking, laughing, and having fun! Me: that'll all stop once you show up
@CatherineLMK: How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?