Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
*puts cutlery down*
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot