Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
You Might Also Like
sistine chapel
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.