Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Yes my dude
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.