I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
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If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
$4 #usedbooks
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
dam girl
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.