Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
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hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Well, this certainly took a turn
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor