Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
You Might Also Like
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually