I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
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Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Living the best life.. 😊
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom