“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
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Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”