Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower