Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”