Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
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Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Not messing around
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?