Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
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Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.